Thursday, July 4, 2013

Independent of Fears: the more you experience, the more you can write

     It has become my opinion that the more one experiences, the better one can write about life. And so, with this new attitude, I have branched out and tried new things. Daring things. SCARY things. Well, maybe not for the rest of the world...but for me, it's been a summer of overcoming fears and learning to love these small little adventures. I jumped in a lake, fully clothed, just....because. It was invigorating. Unexpected. NOT something I would normally do. Until now. When nothing I do seems so ordinary anymore. 
     I hit this point in life where I have come to crave LIFE. Not just the day to day to-do list with writing time squeezed in, but to feel as if I am actually alive. Living. Present in all moments. Not just stuck. Not just floating. 
     The lake has called to me several times, I find myself daydreaming about being back in the water frequently. I swam solo underneath the stars, floating in the darkened water just listening to my heart beat in my chest. As I relaxed, slowed my breathing, I could hear it slow down. I could feel myself letting go of all the anxiety that sometimes (often) holds me back from being all that I want to be in this life. The bull frogs sang to me as the stars twinkled above, as if just for my pleasure alone. It was beautiful, and I long to float underneath the stars often.
     The daytime beckons me with the heat that used to force me indoors because it's a known migraine trigger for me. The new medication regimen seems to have worked...I haven't been trapped in the darkness of pain for well over a month. I've camped and started fires...a huge fear of burning being tossed aside as I decided to breath through the fear and just do it already. Good news, I didn't die ;) I enjoyed the sun  beating down on my bare shoulders for the first time in years. And I danced with my daughter in the rain. 
     I admit, I still screamed and literally jumped around a friend's porch last week when a giant man-eating bug landed on my exposed skin. It couldn't be helped. I can't be expected to overcome everything at once can I? But baby steps are getting me there. And I smile, and I think to myself that this is one more thing I more thing I can write about. 
     Tonight I have accepted a challenge by my 7 year old daughter: I will hold a 4th if July sparkler with her for 10-Mississippi seconds (her wording there). She has been afraid of them in years past, and always goes home with tears in her eyes and regret for not having pushed past the fear and gone for it. This is her year. And me, with my anxiety of being burned alive, will be holding her hand while we push through together. Independent from fears on this 4th of July. 

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